Cannibalism and Angelina Jolie

Photo by Francois Duhamel – © 2003 MP Film Mgmt. UNLS Prods.

Breakfast?

A question that’s been haunting me since I left Edinburgh. If you were a cannibal, would you rather eat an attractive person or an unattractive one? Mo argued that it was better to keep the attractive people alive, but for me, the cannibalism and sex are inexorably entwined. In the end, whom would you rather put in your mouth?
Mo and I were eating breakfast as we had this discussion – one of those full Scottish breakfasts that is the only antidote for the bone chilling weather.
Mo put a piece of bacon in his mouth and chewed.
“Hm,” he said, “Angelina Jolie bacon.”
I countered, “What about Kate Winslet bacon?”
“Mmm.” He chewed. “Kate Winslet bacon. Mmm. Okay, maybe you win.”

Now, after more thought than is healthy or appropriate, I realize that the issue is more complicated than it had first appeared. If I were a heterosexual man or a lesbian, I too would feel the conflict that Mo feels. The women that I find most attractive are slender, somewhat fucked up, but who still have complexions that suggest that they eat a lot of kale and omega-3 fish. In other words: edible.
However, I am a woman who finds herself attracted to very fucked up, hard-living men (Joseph Cotten, Keith Richards, Gary Oldman, Anthony Bourdain) While I would happily put their body parts in my mouth in a romantic context, I am not so sure I would want to eat someone that has subsisted on heroin, potato chips, and GPCs. Maybe I could contemplate eating an in-his-prime Hemingway. However, I would prefer to chomp on the healthy, pretty boys.

This means, that in the post-apocalyptic cannibalizing world, I can munch Orlando Bloom while still being able to fuck Oldman and Bourdain. Really, life would be okay.

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2 Responses to Cannibalism and Angelina Jolie

  1. As a warning, I would probably taste like fermented mutton. It’s probably in everyone’s best interests to just let me sit in the post-apocalyptic corner gnawing on your discarded Kate Winslet bones.

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